A Southerner Moves up North


Dec 8. - It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first I've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rums and sat by the picture window. Watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful.

Dec 9. - We woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in my life and I loved it. I did both the driveway and our sidewalk. Later, the city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again.

Dec 10. - It snowed an additional 6 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled the driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish-grey.

Dec 11. - Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my a_ _ in the driveway; $145 to a chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected today.

Dec 12. - Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4x4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway and did considerable amount of dammage to the rear quarter panel. Had another 8 inched of the white sh_ _ last night. both vehicles covered with salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. That godd_ _ _ snow plow came by twice today.

Dec 13. - Two below zero outside! More fu_ _ _ _ _ snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put out the flames, but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands and lost my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid on the ice on way to emergency room and was totaled.

Dec 14. - Godd_ _ _ mother-fu_ _ _ _ _ white sh_ _ keeps coming down. Have to put on all the clothes I own just to get to the mailbox. If I ever catch that son-of-a-bi_ _ _ that drives the snowplow I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then comes down the street about 100 mph and buries our driveway again. Power still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof is starting to cave in.

Dec 15. - Six godd_ _ _ more fu_ _ _ _ _ inches of fu_ _ _ _ _ snow and fu_ _ _ _ _ sleet and fu_ _ _ _ _ ice and god knows what other kind of fu_ _ _ _ _ white sh_ _ fell last night. I wounded the fu_ _ _ _ _ snowplow a_ _hole with an ice axe but he managed to get away. Wife left me. Car won't start. I think I'm going snow blind. I can't move my toes. Haven't seen the sun in weeks. More snow predicted. Wind chill is minus 22 fu_ _ _ _ _ degrees. I'm moving back to Florida.